


It’s a small cry

by elanor_johnson



Category: Political RPF - US 21st c.
Genre: M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:47:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23647189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elanor_johnson/pseuds/elanor_johnson
Summary: An invitation to spend the weekend in South Bend turns Chasten into a bundle of anxiety. Luckily, when things go south Peter is right there to help and listen.
Relationships: Chasten Buttigieg/Pete Buttigieg
Comments: 4
Kudos: 34





	1. Chapter 1

Chasten was fumbling to find the keys of his studio apartment when he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket.

As soon as he saw the name of the sender, a broad smile crept on his face. He had been physically dating Peter Buttigieg for almost two months and he could already tell that he was falling hard and fast for the sweet mayor of South Bend, Indiana. The date he was just coming back from had been spectacular: Peter had proven once again to be extremely thoughtful and kind, making Chasten feel seen and loved beyond what he thought was possible.

He put the phone away and finally opened the door, only to rush to the bedroom, launch himself on the soft mattress and open Peter’s message.

_Maybe next time you can stay the weekend?_

Chasten almost dropped the phone. It couldn’t possibly be it. The shy, newly out of the closet, inexperienced Peter couldn’t possibly be hinting at that. He wondered how he should respond, feeling a familiar anxiety rush through his veins.

_Only if you want, of course._

Chasten started typing out the answer. No way he could do this. It was too soon, he wasn’t ready. Still, he had to tell Peter about the baggage he was hiding at some point. And the guy had been beyond sweet and gentle ever since their first conversation on Hinge. They were boyfriends. Maybe it was better now, the consequences would hurt less. He deleted what he had written, typed again and hit “send”.

**Sure. Can’t wait :)**

**I’ll call you tomorrow, good night.**

In his South Bend home, Peter stared at the ceiling with a giddy smile playing across his face. He was already counting down the days that separated him from seeing Chasten on Friday night.

***

On Friday evening Peter was running around the house, making sure that everything was in place. He had spent hours thoroughly cleaning the guest bedroom and bathroom and had even mowed the front lawn. Albeit new to the whole “dating” thing, Peter was self-conscious enough to understand that he was in love with the Michigan-born Chicago teacher. He wanted Chasten to feel at home.

He was straightening the couch cushions for maybe the hundredth time when he heard a car pull up in front of the house. Upon excitedly opening the door, Peter had to restrain himself from running down the porch to jump on Chasten.

“Howdy, how’re you doing?” Peter went in for a hug and a kiss but was surprised to feel his boyfriend tense up ever so slightly at the contact.

“I’m fine, Peter. And starving.” Chasten put up his best smile and tugged Peter inside.

During dinner they engaged in lighthearted conversation about their weeks. Chasten kept smiling and laughing but Peter knew that something was up. He was a keen observer in general, and with his boyfriend in particular, endlessly studying his reactions and making him feel cared for in a way he had never experienced before. He could tell that something was bothering Chasten because even though his lips were smiling, his bright eyes weren’t. Was that fear in the blue irises of his boyfriend?

When they were done eating, Chasten helped Peter tidy up the kitchen. Suddenly Peter, lost in his thoughts, dropped the pile of pots he was holding. The loud crash made Chasten abruptly turn around and wince loudly, while backing toward the living room with a frightened look on his face.

“Chasten, what’s wrong?”

“We need- We need to talk, Peter.”

“Okay.” Peter nodded and guided his boyfriend into the living room. 

Chasten gingerly sat down on the couch, Peter next to him. It was an old couch in an old house. He wondered if he would get to sit on that couch again or if Peter would be so disgusted by what he was about to say that he would simply kick him out. He felt a wave of panic hitting his head and blurring his vision.

Peter was staring at Chasten, his kind eyes veiled by a shadow of worry. He placed a hand on Chasten’s shoulder but took it back immediately when his boyfriend flinched.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s not your fault, Peter” Chasten interrupted him, his voice cracking.

Peter fell silent, scared of saying or doing something wrong, scared above everything of hurting Chasten. Because Chasten looked positively terrified. He was staring pale-faced and wide-eyed at the carpet without really seeing it, as if focusing on something far and unreachable. His hands were shaking. His breath was coming out ragged and unsteady.

“Chasten, love, look at me.”

“Chasten.”

Peter knelt on the floor in front of his boyfriend.

“Love.”

“Everything’s alright, love.”

Peter’s calm, soothing voice slowly brought Chasten back to reality. He lifted his head just enough to make eye contact with Peter. Through the fog he could vaguely feel blue eyes swelling with emotion and concern looking desperately at his own.

“Love, it’s ok. You’re here with me, you’re safe.”

Chasten was still shaking, his heart beating faster than he thought possible.

Peter lifted his hand slowly, telegraphing his movements to seek Chasten’s consent. He carefully took hold of his hand, cradling it softly between his own. His grip was light, allowing his boyfriend to escape if he needed to.

As he came back in control of his senses, Chasten became painfully aware of his surroundings and felt heat rise to his face, while hot tears started falling down his cheeks.

“Do you trust me?” asked Peter, a tinge of insecurity in his voice.

“I w- I want to.” Chasten struggled to speak, his words coming strangled through the sobs.

Peter moved back to the sofa and carefully placed his hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“Breathe, Chasten.”

“You need to breathe. Please.”

He lifted Chasten’s hand to press it against his own chest, trying to guide the rhythm of his breathing.

“Like this, love.”

Chasten could feel Pete’s chest steadily rise and fall under his palm and gradually managed to fall in line with the rhythm, calming the sobs.

His heartbeat had eventually slowed down but he felt utterly exhausted, his forehead clammy with sweat and his flushed cheeks stained with tears. He glanced at Peter, who was still caressing his hand.

“Can you hold me?” Chasten whispered, leaning in toward his boyfriend.

Peter didn’t answer, afraid that he might break down if he spoke, but opened his arms and fell back against the cushions, inviting Chasten in.

Chasten placed his head on Peter’s chest, right on his steady heartbeat, and let Peter wrap him in his arms as he soothingly stroke his back.

“I got you.” Peter finally managed to murmur, placing a soft kiss on his boyfriend’s forehead.

For the first time in years Chasten was feeling truly safe, truly home.

They didn’t move for the rest of the evening, grateful for each other’s presence, and eventually drifted off like that, tangled together, listening to the synchronized rhythm of their heartbeats. The talking could wait until morning.


	2. Chapter 2

Peter was woken up by the sunlight peeking through the living room curtains. As he slowly blinked sleep away, the weight of the previous night came crushing upon him. He looked down at Chasten, who was fast asleep on his chest. He looked so peaceful.

Since it was early, Peter settled back into the cushions but when he moved, a sudden and sharp pain shot up his leg, which was blocked between Chasten’s weight and the back of the couch. As much as he would have loved to contemplate his boyfriend sleep, he needed him to move.

“Chasten.” he whispered, stroking his hair.

“Chasten, love, wake up.”

All he got in response was a tired whine, as Chasten snuggled impossibly closer.

Peter playfully rolled his eyes but hugged his boyfriend tightly nonetheless, kissing the top of his head.

“Love, please, move. My leg is hurting.”

Upon hearing that, Chasten immediately lifted his head from Peter’s chest, allowing him to disentangle their legs and find some relief.

“Good morning, love.”

“Morning.” Chasten mumbled.

“How are you feeling?” Peter asked quietly.

“Better.” Chasten half smiled and leaned in for a kiss.

“I know we need to talk, Peter, but coffee first?” he asked with a pleading face after pulling away from Peter’s lips.

Peter chuckled and got up, stretching his sore muscles before heading to the kitchen. After a couple of minutes he came back with two ‘I love South Bend’ mugs full of steaming coffee.

“Thanks babe.” Chasten smiled gratefully at his boyfriend.

They sipped their coffees in silence, each lost in their own thoughts.

“Love.” Peter set their mugs on the coffee table and took hold of his boyfriend’s hand, looking straight into his blue eyes.

“You know you don’t have to tell me anything, right? I mean, I am — and always will — be here to listen if you need me to. But don’t feel pressured to share things if you are not comfortab-”

“I want to. I need you to know.” Chasten interrupted him.

“Alright.”

“Just be patient with me?”

“Always.”

Chasten lowered his gaze, avoiding his boyfriend’s eyes, and took a deep breath.

“When you invited me over for the weekend, I was scared. I was scared because I didn’t know if you had expectations that I’m not ready to meet. We have agreed to take things slowly but I never told you why I want to take things slowly. It’s just-” his voice quivered.

Peter started circling his thumb on Chasten’s hand.

“I have- I have had my fair share of... tough experiences, you know? Especially in relationships. You already know that after I came out, it was hard. But I never told you that-”

Peter kept his sad gaze focused on his boyfriend.

“That I was sexually assaulted.” Chasten barely managed to say.

Peter’s face paled in shock but Chasten, who couldn’t see it, went on to explain.

“It was at a house party. A friend brought me there, he said we would have fun. And we did. But then... He was the host, a friend of my friend. We talked for a while, he seemed nice.”

Subconsciously, he squeezed Peter’s hands, which were still holding his own.

“I was so clueless, so naive. He brought me to the bedroom and-” Chasten inhaled sharply.

“He forced himself on me.” Chasten’s eyes were now flooded with tears, which eventually began rolling down his cheeks.

Peter desperately wanted to hug his boyfriend, to pull him close and never let go, to make him feel safe. However, he knew that he had to respect some boundaries and let him take the first step.

Keeping his gaze averted from Peter’s, Chasten audibly tried to calm down and dried his own tears.

“It was- it was horrible. His weight was suffocating. I tr- I tried to fight him off but he was too strong. He didn’t technically... rape me but he did use my body to jerk off.” Chasten’s voice came out hoarse and ashamed.

“It wasn’t your fault, Chasten. Please believe me.” Peter’s own voice was choked with emotion. He had understood even the unspoken.

“For such a long time I felt like it was. I was so ashamed, so guilty. Sometimes I still feel that way. I feel dirty, disgusting. And if you don’t want to have anything to do with me ever again, I get it. I wouldn’t want someone like me either.”

When he finally looked back up into Peter’s ocean eyes, Chasten was taken aback by seeing them glistening with tears, his boyfriend’s usually sweet features contorted in a pained expression.

“Please don’t do that to yourself. You’re not dirty, you’re not disgusting and I’m not going to leave you, Chasten. More than anything, I want to help you. Tell me how can I help.”

“I’m not sure you can, Peter. I don’t think love works for me anymore. I’m broken.”

“Then we’ll fix you together.”

It was all too much for Chasten, who crashed into Peter’s arms, silent tears streaming down his face and soaking up the polo t-shirt his boyfriend was still wearing from the night before.

“My ex boyfriends used to hit me.” Chasten buried his head further in Peter’s shoulder.

He felt one of Peter’s fingers slowly carding through his hair.

“It hurt, both physically and mentally, but once again I was too much of a coward to do something and break up with them.”

Peter pulled back from the hug, his hands cupping Chasten’s face so that they were staring directly at each other.

“Love, you’re not a coward. You’re possibly the bravest person I know. What you’ve done here today... It takes a lot of courage.”

Chasten let out a sad sigh and lowered his gaze but Peter gently lifted his chin back up.

“Listen to me, Chasten. You’re safe here, you’re safe with me. I would never, ever raise a finger on you. There are no words that can express how much I care about you. In fact... I don’t even know if I should say this right now but I need you to know. Please don’t give up on love, Chasten, because I love you.”

Peter held his breath, terrified of having screwed everything up. He watched Chasten’s eyes go through a multitude of emotions. He saw fear, he saw sadness, he saw joy. And finally he saw something completely different, something powerful. It was the look Chasten’s eyes always had when they were together. Realization dawned on Peter, and his face broke into an impossibly large smile.

“I trust you Peter. And I want to learn to believe in love again because, yes, I love you too. ”

They slowly leaned in toward each other and connected their lips in a gentle kiss, sealing their newly professed love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not a native English speaker so please forgive the mistakes and the weird syntax and punctuation.


End file.
